


the only one

by emilia_kaisa



Series: advent challenge 2019 [22]
Category: Figure Skating RPF
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, M/M, Not Beta Read, that's all you need to know haha
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-22
Updated: 2019-12-22
Packaged: 2021-02-26 18:55:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,225
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21903448
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/emilia_kaisa/pseuds/emilia_kaisa
Summary: Did all the words I never saidHurt as bad as those I did?You know I never even caredNot before you
Relationships: Javier Fernández/Yuzuru Hanyu
Series: advent challenge 2019 [22]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1559338
Comments: 6
Kudos: 40





	the only one

**Author's Note:**

> Part 22nd of the challenge, 2 more to go!  
> (idk if I like it but we're not giving uuupl)   
> Song: 'The only one' by James Blunt

When Yuzuru had been younger, he never thought about relationships too much. And if he did, it always seemed like some kind of a fairytale, because that was what love was supposed to be, right?

It wasn't supposed to be like that.

Yuzuru shouldn't feel like that, and shouldn't look at Javi and feel only feel anger and exhaustion and some ugly, wicked satisfaction.

"I just don't know if it makes sense. It's not like you're good at this long distance thing."

He knew it wasn't fair. He knew he was hurtful, and he knew that he was wrong.

But he didn't say a word, and he didn't move, didn't do anything as he watched Javi put his shoes and jacket on, quiet and not sparing a glance in Yuzuru’s direction. 

Yuzuru watched him leave, and didn't feel anything. 

* * *

_Did all the words I never said_

_Hurt as bad as those I did?_

_You know I never even cared_

_Not before you_

_If I could go and turn back time_

_If I could only press rewind_

_I would bleed this heart of mine_

_Just to show you_

Yuzuru pressed his palm against his mouth, trying to muffle pathetic sounds escaping his lips, biting on his flesh to make sure no one would hear him. The water running down his back felt too hot, burning, but he didn’t turn it off, thinking dizzily that he deserved it, he deserved a bit of pain, or maybe he wanted it, because it was the only things that was making him feel alive now.

So far, it was undoubtedly the worst week of his life.

Yuzuru couldn’t tell what he had been thinking.

He came back to his senses a few hours after Javi left, when he found a t-shirt Javi had forgotten to pack and Yuzuru started to realize what the hell had happened.

Now, looking back, Yuzuru couldn't believe he acted like that, that he let his exhaustion and insecurity take over and destroy everything him and Javi had been trying to build for the past half a year.

Javi didn't reply to any of his texts, and Yuzuru couldn't blame him for that. Still, the nerves and anxiety were eating him alive, so two days earlier Yuzuru man up enough to text Laura and ask if Javi got home safely. He got a perfectly polite answer, and he wondered if she knew what had happened between them.

Yuzuru took a deep, shuddering breath and ran his hand down his face, trying to calm himself down. He turned the water off and dried himself with a towel before putting his clothes on, his fingers feeling stiff.

The locker room was blissfully empty, and Yuzuru was grateful for that, because after another day of pretending that he was okay he wouldn't be able to keep the facade even longer.

Hesitantly, he took his phone out of a pocket of his bag, and started at its dark screen before swallowing hard and finding Javi's number, pressing the green button.

He waited with a fluttering heart, listening to loud ringtones that echoed in his exhausted body.

"Hey Javi." he blurted when a cold, automatic voice told him to leave the message "I just wanted- Javi, please, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. Please let me talk to you, you know I lov-"

The phone slipped from out of his suddenly weak fingers, luckily dropping on his folded jacket.

Yuzuru wouldn't care even if it was broken, though.

He had never told Javi he loved him.

* * *

"Okay, good!" Brian clapped, a bit hesitantly "Well, that was a good session, Yuzu, please take some rest before tomorrow-"

"I'm not here tomorrow." Yuzuru said numbly, getting to the bench and taking his skates off "I need a break."

"Uhh?"

"Surprise, huh?" Yuzuru chuckled hysterically, standing up and looking at Brian, not trying to hide anything "Will miss a few days. Sorry." 

"I, uhh, I mean-" Brian stammered, but then collected himself quickly "Are you okay?" 

"Not really. Now I have to try and change it."

* * *

_I will linger on every word_

_I know it's more than I deserve_

_Chances are I'll make it worse, but I need to_

_Tell you, tell you that I'm sorry,_

_Tell you that I'm stupid,_

_Why do I always take it there?_

He didn't sleep on a flight at all, torturing himself will playing that conversation over and over again inside his head, his brain showing him scenarios that were making him want to scream. 

What if there was no coming back? 

Maybe Javi would never forgive him, and he had every right to. But still, Yuzuru had to do one thing. 

* * *

"What are you doing here?" Javi asked flatly and Yuzuru almost bursted into tears, but somehow managed to keep himself together. 

"You're not answering." he said pathetically "And I need to talk to you."

"I think you told me everything." Javi said coldly, but Yuzuru could see hurt and sorrow in his eyes "But come in. You must be tired. I will give you dinner."

Yuzuru followed him to the kitchen, desperately trying to find proper words. Javi was cool as ice and polite as always, and Yuzuru couldn't stand it even one second longer. 

"I messed up, Javi. I messed up so bad."

Javi looked at him for a few seconds before nodding shortly, his lips twisting in an ugly imitation of a smile. 

"You did. If you want to end a relationship there are nicer ways to do that. Take it from an experienced one." he said, his voice filled with accusation and pain, and Yuzuru couldn't stop himself any longer, tears burning in the corners of his eyes and slowly rolling down his face. 

"I'm sorry." he croaked, his throat filled with sand "I should have never said that. I don't think that, and I shouldn't-" he stopped to take a deep breath "I should have told you that I was afraid, a bit. That I was going to miss you, and that… that I love you. Because I do, I love you, and I need a second chance. Please."

Javi looked at him for a long moment before his eyes started to shine with tears too, his fingers trembling. 

"I love you too." he said quietly and Yuzuru couldn't breathe "But I don't want you to be anxious about it, and I don't want you to suffer. And I don't want to suffer either."

"Javi." Yuzuru whimpered, his body moving, legs carrying him to stand right in front of Javi, so close Yuzuru could feel his warmth "Please." he murmured, bringing one of his hands to touch Javi's cheek, and Javi sighed brokenly, leaning into the touch. 

"I'm scared of all of that, still." Yuzuru admitted quietly, his voice breaking "But I'm more scared of not trying, so plea-" 

Javi kissed him, hard and silencing, his arms wrapping around Yuzuru to keep him close, and it felt like he was trying to make Yuzuru feel all the frustration and sorrow of past days. 

But then he sighed quietly, his touch turning soft and loving, and his lips tasted like salt and hope, and forgiveness. 

_And I told you all my secrets,_

_All my fears, I've let go_

_And it's flawless,_

_You are the only one,_

_You are the only one,_

_Don't you know?_

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading!


End file.
